my little teapot...

MESS..

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Well… turning to this again… to vent some stuff. Its coming up to a really bizarre time of year, and I think I am in more of a clip now than I was this time last year… the run up to an anniversary. Not a happy one, but should it be ‘happy’? I don’t really know to be honest. I don’t really know how to put it all into place.

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I dont know if I’m scared or feel particularly awful at the face that I’ve managed to get through a year without him reasonably ok… The thought of that sickens me. I dont really even know if that is the case, if I have got through it ok… I guess because he isnt here to tell me if I have or not.

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I’m angry, so angry. For what I’ve written above and for nothing in particular all at the same time… Angry he isn’t here… angry that this year has just passed by so quickly. Angry at myself for seemingly not being able to cope with it all. Thousands of thoughts charging through my head all at once.

I keep dreaming that I see him, that I talk to him… and then I wake up to the harsh reality it was all just a dream and my heart sinks, I get this fizzy burning anger in my belly and then just sink further and further down. It just sounds pathetic, and I cant actually stand that I cant seem to control how I’m feeling and just taking it out on people who don’t deserve it. So by doing that, I’m pushing them away because I’m pissing them off. Massively destructive attitude. Pointless.

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Driving a wedge between me and the people most important to me just because I cant seem to deal with stuff…

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I don’t think I’ve ever been such a massive bellend. Sound.

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“Fear - Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea” 

-Larry Kersten

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I want to be at the very end of that tunnel now, with my poppet.xx

always something…

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Well, after a rather breif ‘up’, it is safe to say I am thoroughly well and truely back down in the dumps. Fucking mega…

My friend is being sent back off to Afghan again next week, possibilities of me going instead to get shot at, might aswell put everyone out of their mysery since I cant seem to do anything right to please anyone and my life seems like one endless jinx.

I’m half expecting the fucking ghost of Jeremy Beadle and is cack hand to come boshing through my door and say ‘you’ve been framed’…

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I know I need to just go out and fucking stop feeling sorry for myself, but to be perfectly honest, at this moment in time I really cannot be fucking arsed. It seems my time is better spent looking at ‘100waystodisappear.blogspot.com’ or what to take to have an overdose amongst thinking other ‘silly’ things. Also looking into what my dream meant lastnight, a half cooked pig running round a card shop squalking.

To be quite honest, the here and now isnt really too appealing and it seems everyone would be better off without me… mint feeling that like.

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I feel like a fucking human yo yo and I’m absolutely sick of it.

labelled…?

depression - noun

- a mental disorder characterized by extreme gloom, feelings of inadequacy, and inability to concentrate.